tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central November 30, 2012 7:30pm-8:00pm PST
mitt romney just wrached up lunch in the private dining room at the white house. >> jon: i can't believe it-- mitt romney, the guy is just lucky! he probably barely donated much money at all but he still got-- (laughter) the event was actually closed to cameras but we do have footage of governor romney arriving at the white house. i believe that is him there and then he's getting out and then-- (laughter) that's-- campaign is over. so he doesn't have to pre-- pretend any more. can wear that serengeti lion sash he hadn't been wearing. by the way, obama couldn't have met the guy in a restaurant? had to make him come to the white house? that's some cold brew. hey, romney, what's up, man, hey, sn it funny, you almost lived here.
yeah, this was almost your place, 3 million bus, you know what i mean? oh you worked so hard for seven years and-- you were just about to knock and go in and-- [bleep] anyway, check out what you have been missing. if you lived here you could be doing right now, watch this, watch this give me a monte chris o san witch, you like adele, get me adele on the phone too. have her sing rolling in the deep and also fire a missile at karachi, all right, i'll talk to you later. boom, that's a little play i did. obama in the white house. all right. things are pretty sweet for mr. obama these days. living large, he's in charge. nothing to worry about. >> just 33 days left until we hit that disastrous combination of tax rate increases and spending cuts now known as the fiscal cliff. >> jon: oh, yeah, that, that was-- (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, the fiscal-- cliff.
>> it's the subject of tonight's cliffpocalypsema get-- mageddonocaust, our nation's solvable budget problem. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> jon: i actually hurt my shoulder just there. it's like i'm 50. so we're now just a little more than a month away from going over the fiscal cliff which is, of course, as we all, what is the fiscal cliff again? >> a toxic combination of spending cuts and tax increases that kicks in at the beginning of next year. >> on january 1s its bush tax cuts will eck prior within the alternative minimum continuation would quick in, hiking taxes for more than half married couples with two children. the payroll tax cut was also
expire. >> emergency unemployment benefits end, and 984 billion dollars in the automatic cuts in both defense and domestic budgets are triggered. >> it very likely that we're all going die. >> jon: why did they put that last provision in. see, here is what happened. two summers ago congress realized that if they couldn't compromise on a deficit and revenue plan our economy would krafernlt turns out they couldn't compromise. so here's what they did. in order to force themselves to work together and compromise they concocted a catastrophic penalty that would itself crash our economy. brilliant! put it another way. if there is an asteroid headed towards the earth. we made it and fired it at ourselves. (laughter) because otherwise we would never have done the hard work required to protect ourselves from the asteroid.
so the asteroid is comings. where are we at. >> if we're serious about reducing the deficit, we have to combine spending cuts with revenue. >> that's kind of an easy-- that seems very solvable. dems want revenue through marginal tax increases on the wealthy. the republicans want entitlement cuts. >> raising tax rates is unacceptable. >> jon: well, let's just check in with the democrats and see where they are at on entitle am reform. >> mr. durbin, the number two man in the senate and other democrats are saying entitlements for this fiscal cliff deal are off the table. >> jon: okay so, the only way to solve there sen titlement reform and tax revenue and those are both off the table so-- i don't want to close my eyes ♪ ♪ i don't want to fall asleep ♪ ♪ because i miss you girl
♪ don't want to miss a thing ♪ ♪ (laughter) >> jon: really? pen microphone? i guess this means there's no way of avoiding the fiscal cliff, the self-imposed fiscal-friendly fire. unless, no, no, way. i could never -- perhaps. we can solve this numbers problem with words. >> frankly i call the fiscal abyss. >> more like y2 k. >> more like a bermuda try and egg. >> more like a grand canyon. >> taxmageddon. >> it's a hill. >> jon: hill, hill, that last one i like that last one. hills are much less scary than cliffs. or canyons or bombs, or mageddons. rather than fixing there,
why don't we just call this bad thing something less bad. >> it's more like a fiscal slope. >> i think it's an austerity sloping crisis of some kind. >> jon: now we're cooking with gas, or whatever we're renaming the compressed fuel vapors ignited for food preparation but hill it's and slopes you can still fall. jack and jill we remember paid a terrible price. traversing a hill, broken crown, water everywhere. really the entire purpose of their walk up the hill went for naught. >> it's more like a gaernd. what do i mean by garden. >> jon: yes, yes, a fiscal garden. (laughter) that sounds good. what do you mean by garden. base thought we were going over a cliff. >> there's no single group at the top that can manage that garden. in a top down fashion. it's going to be organic, it's going to be bottom up. and there are things they can do to harm things, like you said releasing a feds wouldn't be good but the
real problem is-- . >> jon: yeah, yeah, i don't know what the [bleep] you're talking about any more, but i don't care because i like your point. our country faces a fiscal disaster and we don't have to compromise or fix it. because we can just sit back in our garden and enjoy the fruits and flowery aromas of washington in december.
welcome back. you know, in the weeks leading up to the recent election america's business leaders offered some dired predictions. >> four more year of obama will mean that we're going to have to tighten our belts even further, layoff more feel. >> these people just want to work in honor and dignity and this president is desaing that. we're going cancel their health care. >> i cannot pay my staff and pay all these taxes. there is only so much blood you can get out of a turnip. (laughter)
>> jon: i don't think you can get any blood out of a turnip unless-- oh my god, those weren't turn is, oh. some business owners were explicit that an obama re-election would in their eyes doom their blood turnip businesses. but now that obama has been re-elected how have the john creators amongst us reacted. we turn to our deranged billionaire, john hodgman, john. >> oh, how dare you. >> jon: what. >> how dare you applaud me now after you shiftless moochers rejected everything that is good and right and wealthy in this world. >> jon: you're still up set that mitt romney lost. >> i don't know how, i don't understand why it happened, john. i mean we all agree that wealthy americans are the best americans. >> jon: well, not-- not everybody agrees with that. >> well, everybody one i know does and mitt romney was the wealthiest american, or at least the wealthiest who way willing to touch your hands and lift your
babies. i mean romney was a rich man. and he wanted to be president watch. pore could he have done to earn your vote. i don't even know what is happening with this country any more, john. >> jon: did you just blow your nose with 100 dollar bill. >> i can't use a 50th, grant hair is too scratchy. >> jon: sorry, john. >> oh, you will will be sar i'm. you will all be sarree. you will regret crossing us job creators because you wanted euro bama gift its of college loans and gay love and marijuana, of course you say whooo to marijuana. but how rocky mountain high will you feel when i refuse to give you a good job deep frying gruel for $4 an hour. >> jon: you deep friday gruel. >> you know i own a chain of theme restaurants based on the industrial revolution, don't new. >> jon: i actually did not. >> of course. >> jon: i was and ware. >> its with called please sir, may i have some more.
(applause) >> jon: i didn't know that. >> yeah. all the way to orphans or will be. but now that you re-elected obama i and the other de ranged billionaires can no longer accept the demands. we might have to start shipping jobs overseas. >> jon: start? companies have been shipping jobs overseas for years. >> i hate to say it once obama care kicks in i might have to make everyone an part-time employee to avoid paying their health insurance. >> jon: that is pretty standard corporate tactic. believe me, dude -- >> well no matter how hard you work i might just have to keep your wages stagnant. >> jon: that's already the case! >> jon, all these-- that you and your fellow c.e.o.s have been making are really exactly what the c.e.o.s have been doing for 30 years now. what is the difference. >> the difference, well, it used to be motivated by simple profit. now we're doing it out of spite. and as our final punishment
to you we're leaving, jon. we're going golf, like an atlas-- here, here, read it. i'll wait. >> jon: i'm familiar with atlas shrug, john galt and other top industrialist as ban don't an ungrateful nation, formed their own society in a secret valley in colorado. >> yes. >> jon: that's what are you doing. >> we have already done it, jon. technically it's more like a secret condominium development in sar societya open only to those virtuous enough to have made enormous amounts of money or to have inherited a lot of money. but no powerball winners, jon, just quality people. >> jon: so how is this community going. >> great, it's going great, going great. what could be more invig rating than spending all day with older white guise and their third wives. in fact, i just came back to say good-bye. >> jon: all right, well, good-bye. >> and to give you one last chance. >> jon: all right. >> you could hold another election right now, get a different result. >> jon: i think we're good. you take the book. >> good-bye.
>> jon: all right, great. >> unless you wanted to bring back slavery, we could stick around-- wz. >> jon: that's not happening, good-bye. >> good-bye forever. >> jon: all right, john. >> i'm see, did you hear you grov eling in apology. >> jon: no, i said okay, you can go. >> i don't-- don't make me go, jon. >> jon: what? >> it's a nightmare over there. nothing but money managers and trust funds and trumps, no one knows how to cook or clean or make, what is that thing that keeps you warm. >> jon: heat. >> heat, yes. where does that come from. too many chiefs, not enough indians, you know what i mean, or mexicans. i miss the mexicans. i miss them so much. mi so sorry. why did they have to leave. do you have a clean 1200 bill. >> jon: no, i don't, john hodgman, everybody, we'll be
jdz welcome back, my guest tonight is a staff writing at the new worker. his new book is called dogfight. 2012 presidentate campaign in verse please welcome back to the program calvin trillin, sir. mr. trillin always a delight to see you, my friend. >> thank you, you're looking well. >> thank you. >> i have to say something
about this book. >> go ahead, say as much as you can possibly say. >> i have many authors on the program, many esteemed pulitzer prize winner, people of great renown. >> right. >> jon: their books are thick. very heavy. and they cause me great trouble during the day getting through them. yours, sir, is a breath of fresh air. >> that's the nicest compliment i've had since i did a book of columns and a friend of mine in florida said they were just the right length to wait out one of those drawbridges. so i really appreciate that. every author looks for that sort of compliment. >> jon: absolutely, here is what else it does. it boldly predicts an election, look, can we get a shot of the cover. okay, obama is smiling, romney is not smiling. biden is incredibly smiling, paul ryan has just been neutered.
so let me ask you this: (applause) was there alternate artwork for this if the election had gone the other way? >> absolutely not. i am an older nate silver. >> jon: don't, you barely, i thought, you could be brothers. i've just crossed the aarp threshold. >> you will get more mail than i used to get. >> jon: i do. i got the card but it doesn't say that i get-- i done think i get off at movies yet or buses. i think it's just the card. >> it is just the card, jon. >> jon: when does the other stuff kick in. >> i woon know this but i've been told that at 65, at 65 you can get what subway, what i call a decemberer pass. >> jon: and you get to go. >> it's not free but it's half price. and so right now coy just leave there studio, get on a
train and go to the bronx for about $1.12. >> jon: well worth it at what point -- >> if you want to go to the bronx. >> jon: i have understood that at a certain age are you allowed to make racist comments with the aarp card and not be penalized in anyway. >> you know him, he's set in his ways. >> jon: that's right, you just gets to show the card. what are you going to do. >> that's right. >> jon: tell me about this election. was it difficult to write your verse for this election? was it a process? where did the inspiration -- >> i was a little worried because there was only one primary fight with the republicans. and the last time i did this i had two. but the field was so colourful, as you well know. >> the republican field. >> the republican field. there is actually a poem in there called the lamentation of the late night comics when i think it was when herrmann kane left.
>> i remember that pain like it was yesterday. >> hi you crying and a lot of people weeping. the last line is could we have trumped that -- >> oh, we not be the greatest gift to late-night television. a grown man that has to put his name on everything he owns. >> but if trump had become president, well, you know, i always say that people in the small joke trade that we treat things-- you are. >> jon: no, no, it sounds like a movie that barry leffinson would direct about guys in baltimore who are in the small joke trade. >> well, what i can say. i think that we think of something like that which might not be that good for the country. >> jon: sure. >> the way dentists think about tooth decay. it's a pitty but where would business be without it. >> jon: that's exactly right.
>> i've always wondered. due know how trident had that commercial where they would say four out of five dentists recommend sugarless gum. so 20% of dentists would be like sure, sugar, why not it does seem like their goal was yeah, yeah, that will be good. >> that's the 20%. >> jon: so you see us as kindred spirits who are the 20% dentist crowd. >> we're to go ahead and have as much sugar as you want, crowd, yeah. >> jon: was there a particular candidate in this field that gave you the greatest joy to write about? >> i like perry. >> jon: sure, sure. >> you liked perry too. >> jon: oh, so much. >> and it was a good rhyme, you know, i am interested in rhyme. and he had great hair. >> jon: yeah. >> and then perry rhymed with beneath the hair the space was airy.
>> jon: nice. now romney it tough -- if romney was president there is not a lot that rhymes with romney. >> no, there isn't. and i was thinking in the last few days how lucky i was that when he was born and his name willard mitt romney, that his parents didn't say well let's just call him willard, willard doesn't rhyme with anything. but m itt is okay. and fortunately a lot of them had those kind of nick name, newt, there is a little proceeds in the book that is called the title is calista gingrich, aware that her husband has cheated on and then left two women with serious illnesses tries to make light of a bad cough. (laughter) (applause) >> you knows what's nice about that? you done even need to rhyme for that, that just works. that just ultimately works.
>> jon: i promote this book. and i urge people to purchase it. it is a great, and if i may say this and again a great compliment, a great stock stuffer. because it does not take am the entire stocking. >> it's kind of a toe book in a way. >> jon: stick it in the toe, dogfight, it's hilarious, on the book shelves now, the great calvin trillin. plaus plas
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